I carry you in my heart always and forever.

Friends,

With so many things changing in my life almost on a daily basis, I sometimes get so caught up in the blessings that my recovery has given me that I lose sight of the important things, the really important things! Sometimes I get so worried about the dumbest things and when that happens I become unfocused and just plan selfish, thinking about the things I think I need that I feel I am missing and I would feel better only If I could buy this or that, or go here & there, If everyone one would mind their business and leave me alone I would be fine, well when these thing happen is when I am putting myself at risk, or moving backwards.

There is one thing by no means that I can allow myself to do, that is forget, forget what it is was like! What it was like to destroy myself , to lie and cheat and steal just to get the next one, or that pain, the pain of feeling useless and like a failure & a disgrace, asking myself why am I doing this and why can’t I stop? But most of all I can’t forget what it was like for my family and real friends who watched helplessly as I broke their hearts, pockets, and my word over and over again, I can’t forget! See I thought that I was only hurting me and I would be better off dead, I forgot there were people who loved me & how bad my actions effected them as well..

I dedicated a Face Book group There is always Hope to the loving memory of Anthony E. Dingler my best friend who lost his battle with addiction in 2006.
I think back to when Anthony and I were kids with dreams and plans of our kids growing up together as we did, the fun and laughs we had, together with Anthony’s brother John we set out to take over the world, As years past and living through and seeing things no one should see let alone kids it seemed to be that our plans changed, it wasn’t too long before we found a way out, “DRUGS”, we went from young men with a great future’s ahead of us to slaves, controlled by the poison we put into our bodies. You really don’t think about the damage your causing yourself and especially the damage we cause our families but in reality the pain we cause and the scars that we leave behind are without measure. I never thought that I could die even though people where dying all around me due to addiction, and most importantly I never thought that I would go the rest of my life without Anthony, We didn’t set out to become addicts we never thought that the pain we caused our family was real or would last so long, but it happen and now we can’t do anything except remember how serious this really is, Remember the good times and smile, and cry knowing that this is Real and my friend is gone, Recovery has taught me so many things, how to deal with “LIFE” on life’s terms and most important how to handle the past, Anthony and so many others are gone but never forgotten his sacrifice gives me strength to go forward and I will do all I can to pass a message of hope to as many as I can. In a selfish self centered addiction we don’t realize how much are love ones are affected even after we are gone, I miss Anthony more than words could ever explain I think about him every day and I find some comfort in knowing that my brother has finally found peace but it doesn’t change the fact that it could have been me and I ask myself why wasn’t it? I have to Believe that a Higher power has a plan and even though I do not understand it sometimes I have no choice but to accept it, I love and miss you Anthony and I carry you in my heart always and forever.

Recently My friend’s Mother who I lovingly call Aunt B. sent me a email that came when I needed it the most I learned and remembered a lot of things about myself and my own demons by the end of reading it, I asked her if I could share it with you ,



Jamie,

I love your treatment center. It offers all things needed in one place. This would have been perfect for Anthony. But anyway, thank you for adding Anthony to your facebook, it brought a tear to my eye. I miss my boy. You are welcomed to share with your clients, just what this does to a mother. I forgive my son but he put me in a lot of debt. When someone takes your credit cards etc. I had to take out a home equity loan after he passed, for 158,000. What kills me the loan isn't going anywhere. Most goes to interest of my $1045.monthly payments. Do that on disability. But I continue to pray and think positively that this will go away, I have faith in the Lord.
I just wanted these kids to get another side of what happens as a result of their actions. I cry all the time. I know he is with me and Jesus has forgiven him. I prayed over his body when I found him, that Jesus would forgive him and take him right to heaven. His face was so peaceful, I turned to John and John said, that's because the demon was out of him.

The Lord had blessed me a few years before Anthony died. I had lost three different male friends, around my age. So I kept asking Jesus why did they mess up and die. The answer I received was “I knew they couldn't make it, so I snatched them up and took them to heaven with me."
Well this was to prepare me for my son. When I found him he was kneeling, with one arm reaching to heaven and a peaceful face. The Lord blessed and prepared me for this.
I continue to help others, that is why He kept me. We all must pay it forward.
I am so proud of you Jamie. I will keep you in prayer.

Love, Aunt Bee